I have struggled with anxiety all my life. As I got older it started to take a huge toll on my nervous system. In order to deal with it I have learned to use visualizations and other techniques such as mindfulness to help calm the mental storms and faulty thinking that come with the condition.
A quick history
I noticed at a young age that I was nervous in many social situations and situations that require me to perform within a time limit. I have mostly been able to have a happy life despite this.
I have been married and divorced three times which I partially attribute to my condition and was partly caused by it. I have stayed single for 12 years as of this writing. Went to college in my 30’s while married to my first wife and helping raising 3 children. Finished that and starting a new career in IT when I was pushing 40.
My second marriage lasted 5 years and was pure hell. I came away with PTSD on top of my existing anxiety condition. Adroitly I moved right into another relationship within a few months of my second divorce. During this relationship the anxiety and PTSD became so bad that I saw a psychiatrist and went on anxiety medication. The medication helped but I found that without my anxiety I’m kind of an asshole. Stupidly, rather that take the medication and keeping my stress about the same I dove into more responsibility at work which pushed the abilities of the medication to its limits. I was laid off from that IBM job in 2009 and became a consultant working on the east coast. More stress from moving to Boston and then DC, reeling from my 3rd divorce, and new contracts every few months in varied industries like a wholesale big box company, a bank and an insurance company .
Finally while working the contract at the bank in Washington DC I became so belligerent with my manager that I was walked off the property. I was totally humiliated. I had never failed at a job since high school and I saw it as a huge wake up call. Also I was starting to have suicidal thoughts which I attributed to the medication. So I stopped using the anxiety medicine after 7 years of depending on it. I did not ween myself off of it as is recommended. I went cold turkey.
Around this time I landed a more permanent job with an oil company in Oklahoma. I moved there and invested in house. This was another high stress highly social job. Some mornings I was literally not sure if I would go to work or to the hospital. It was that bad. I couldn’t sleep and my mind spun on the same thoughts over and over. I dreaded going to work every single day.
In the midst of this crisis I started to realize that I must make a life change. I couldn’t quit my job because I needed to save for my looming retirement. So I kept that but I stopped everything else that was stressful. I slowly stopped dating and decided to just work on myself. That is when I discovered several visualizations that helped me to start to dig myself out of the anxiety filled and dangerous mental hole I had dug for myself.
Visualization 1 – The Grinder
I was not sleeping because my thoughts would spin on some trivial matter or another. I say trivial but they didn’t feel trivial because my brain was telling me they were important. I began to realize that once a thought was in my head it was fuel for the spin machine so I wondered if it was possible to stop thoughts before they start. I tried various visualizations but the one that worked for me was to imagine a horizontal grinder wheel in the back of my head. When a thought was coming that I knew would be food for the spin machine I imagined the wheel turning and grinding the thought up before it could fully form and take root. After awhile I was able to fall asleep almost every night unless something was bothering me too strongly for the visualization to work.
I’m no psychologist but I think the visualization worked by distracting my mind. Humans can’t think about two things at once so when I was imagining the wheel spinning and grinding the thought I couldn’t simultaneously form the thought that I didn’t want to think. Trust me that wheel spun at high speed many a night but I did start sleeping.
As an aside, another thing I started doing was trusting my body to know how to sleep. I quit trying to sleep and let my body run the show.
Visualization 2 – The Stream in the Field
One day I was trying to relax and a strong visualization came to me almost like a revelation. I pictured a stream winding its way though a flat light brown featureless field with an oak tree leaning out over it at one point. At first I hung out on the bank but as the visualization developed I slipped into the stream and found I could breath just fine while submerged. Just me under the water perfectly safe and relaxed.
No one could see me in the stream and I could not be harmed. I realized the stream could take me anywhere I could imagine in perfect safety and comfort. Its hard to describe the peaceful feeling I had while in the stream and when I looked around the empty field. I felt very safe and secure and my thoughts could calm down, which also helped me sleep.
Visualization 3 – Black Crows Imbedded In my Brain
I started to look at the issues with my thinking that made me overly anxious i.e. taxed what nervous system resources I had left. The visualization that came to me was of several crows half embedded head first in my brain. They were causing an infection and the area around each one was an unhealthy shade of dark blue, almost black.
For me they represented fears about the future and also shame, regrets, and PTSD from past experiences. I began to imagine pulling out the crows and letting the holes where they were start to heal. Of course for the process to really work I used the grinder (see visualization 1 above) to help me start to ignore those damaging thought patterns. The crows would come back of course, but over time I was able to mostly eliminate them. Several years down the line it is much easier and I visualize those areas as bruised, but no more crows.
Yes I said years, this stuff takes time, its a marathon. I imagine it is similar to recovering from alcoholism or drug addiction. You are always and forever and addict and can slip back if not always on guard.
Visualization 4 – the Cabin of Elements
This visualization became the tool for creating any visualization that I want or need. It went through some evolution but the basics came in a flash like the others and hasn’t changed much.
It is a lodge high in an unreachable part of the Tibetan Mountains. It is all wood and lit by light from a fire but there is no fireplace. I and I alone can go there any time I want. I sit or float surrounded by 4 urns that contain the 4 ancient elements; earth, air, fire and water.
I can mix and match these elements effortlessly to create any scene or environment that brings me peace and joy. Always it is relaxing and peaceful and i cannot be interrupted or harmed.
Visualization 5: The Dump
I do this one whenever I start to feel overwhelmed. I have learned that when I feel that way and there is no good reason for it like I hurt myself or there is a death in the family that I am either worrying to much or trying to control too much.
The visualization is simple. I imagine two swords cleaving off most of the extra stuff that I am ‘carrying’. It is like 100 pounds of butter or fat dropping to the ground on both sides of me. I immediately feel lighter and happier.
These visualizations have been invaluable to me on the road to healing and to being a better person. Since I started down this road, 10 years ago I have seen many improvements in my mental health. 3 years ago I discovered Mindfulness meditation which has taken me further than I thought possible. I may discuss that in another post.
Peace to you
MiNd-Sprung.com 
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